Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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