My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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