I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
