I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
