I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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