Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
