that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
