got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
