she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
