apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize