i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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