Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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