Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
