I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
