Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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