My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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