I wish I could teleport
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize