I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
