I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
