im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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