so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
