So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
