i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
