I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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