my phone needs a breathalizer
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
