Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
