Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
