Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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