chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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