If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
