I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
