I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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