I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i will never coherently bang her
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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