There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
