remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My vagina just recognized that song.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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