The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize