Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
