she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Found the puke drawer
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
