i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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