Your mouth is God's brothel.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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