I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
