Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
