my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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