mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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