I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
40s are totally the cure
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
