someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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