Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
