Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
