I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
