Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
