how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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