Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
