i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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