how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
