If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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