The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
