just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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