He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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